Let them eat Spam

Spammers should be sent to jail and given no Internet access, except for
an email account, on which they receive only spam.  And for all meals, Spam.

Rogers and UPS - teaming up to deliver, eventually

This is an email I just wrote to Rogers, after finding out my phone would be delivered a total of 18 days late... assuming it really does come when UPS last told me it would.

My frustration is apparent...
---------------------------------------------------------------

Hi,

The phone, delayed a week already, was supposed to arrive on Monday. UPS finally tried to deliver it today, when I was at work. When I called them, they said they won't deliver it until next Wednesday; furthermore, I can't even go and pick it up anywhere! They have my package in the city, but I can't get it for another five days!!!!! That's a courier?

As I wrote to them, that's the last time I will order something from Rogers if you use UPS to deliver it. There was no option when ordering to have it delivered when I might be at home.
In the end, I will likely get my phone on September 5th, or 23 days after I ordered it. Is that what Rogers calls customer service?

I will be posting this letter on the Internet for the whole world to see....

Mike New

Iran opens nuclear facilities to foreign tourists, state TV reports

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has ordered authorities to open the doors of Iran's nuclear facilities to foreign tourists in order to prove that the country's disputed nuclear program has been peaceful, state-run televisionreported on Wednesday. For a fee, any foreigners, including Americans, can take a tour that will display how Iran's facilities are used for peaceful nuclear power generation. However, there will be some "sensitive areas" which will be off-limits to the tours.

The American government has not commented, although one unnamed high-ranking military official has expressed concern and disappointment at the fees that will be charged for the tour. "We believe that the fees are too high, and that we ought to be getting a group discount when we have a lot of people going there. When we send in fifty UN inspectors, why should we have to pay full price? It's unbelievable that they would charge [USD 25.00] for a forty minute tour, and not have a discount for groups, not have a discount for seniors, and not provide any snack, donuts, whatever, at the end of the tour."

The Iranian govermnent has not responded to calls.

Do we want this man leading our country?

Michael Ignatieff, on the "orders of government" (meaning Federal, Provincial, Regional, Municipal):

"Together, they need to negotiate a transparent, rational and long-term fiscal relationship that accurately considers the true fiscal capacity of every order of governmnet and then arrives at an agreement that recalibrates federal transfers and equalization to facilitate the realization of identified national goals and to ensure that less well off provinces can provide for their citizens without damaging the capacity of wealthier provinces to serve the needs of theirs."

Yes, that's one sentence. Yes, I typed it in, reading it from Macleans (Sept. 4, 2006). Yes, my fingers do hurt.

It's not that I disagree with the statement. I simply do not want to read sentences that long.

Please, Liberal Party, choose someone who's less wordy.

Pluto - new classification

Pluto has recently had its status as a planet revoked - it is now called a 'dwarf planet'. Note that this is not intended to imply anything about its inhabitants.

Additional rumors have declassified it even further, to a "Disco ball planet" (see here for an image), but these are unfounded.

Apparently there are seven such Dwarfs in our solar system. I think Walt Disney was onto something. However, it seems confusing to have a Dwarf named Pluto. Everyone knows Pluto is a dog.

My suggestion, and I'm going to make this suggestion to the International Astronomical Union, or to Disney, is that to avoid confusion we rename Pluto and the other Dwarfs to: Sleepy, Happy, Grumpy, Dopey, Sneezy, Bashful and Doc. And Pluto should be the nickname of the Dog Star.

Nortel Announces Loss, New Software

Nortel Networks announced today a loss of 2.2 billion dollars in Q4 of 2005, due to a new accounting error discovered by one of their co-op students.

In other news, Nortel's Software division has announced a new software package called BackCounting, an accounting application for businesses. It sells for $37,500 per seat and will be available April 1.

Review: Black Eyed Peas - My Humps

The Black Eyed Peas hail from Los Angeles, far away from the steppes of China and Mongolia. Nevertheless, that rock group's latest musical hit, "My Humps" conjures images of such landscapes, due mainly to the song's main refrain ostensibly being sung by a camel.

"My Humps" is a journey into the trials and tribulations of a Bactrian Camel who is forced to carry a large trunk full of goods, and her master, accross the Asian plains. We find out near the beginning of the song, when the camel is asked, "What are you going to do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?" At this point we may only imagine a large trunk or chest, full of bric-a-brac. However, we soon find out what is in the trunk, with her simple answer, "I am going to get, get, get [sic] you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump!" The trunk is apparently full of alcoholic beverages. For this reason I would not recommend allowing children to listen to this song. Further, by her mention of her hump, we start to imagine a camel. At first we may imagine a Dromedary, as the camel has only referred to a single hump. It is later in the song that we realize she must be a Bactrian, after she refers to her (plural) humps "in the back and in the front."

The poor creature must also carry her master, for whom she appears to harbour some affection: "My humps they have got you spending all your money on me and spend your time on me." So it appears the relationship between camel and master is one based on a great deal of time spent together, perhaps via travel across the steppes. As we wonder about this odyssey during the song, we notice there is another creature in the story, an ass. "What are you going do with all that ass, all that ass inside those jeans?"

At this point I must admit I was a bit confused, what with an ass wearing dungarees, but I defer to artistic license at this point and refrain from criticism until later. It is once the song begins its commercialistic, gratuitous gastronomy exhibition that I begin to question the artists' true intent. "You can be my honey", and "Mix your milk with my cocoa puff," speak of merchandising and sponsorship.

This disappointment is not diminished by the camel's empowerment nearer the end of the song. Apparently she has a selection of poultry breasts in her trunk, wrapped in a shirt, and she turns the tables on her master by suggesting he will be the one who must now do the work:

What are you going to do with all that breast?
All that breast inside that shirt?
I’m going to make, make, make, make [sic] you work
Make you work, work, make you work

But this reversal of fortune does little to appease our sensibilities. In my view, all it does is justify a sort of "revenge of forced labour" between owner and owned. Call it tit for tat, but does it make the world a better place?

Thus, verily, what starts out as an exotic, visceral, if adult experience degrades into an anthem for spending money on American commercial goods. Visceral, yes, in that these goods are aliments, but the overt advertising leaves the listener with a hungry and, ultimately, a strangely unsatisfied feeling.

Gentle, now

Okay, I found a job and have been busy. It's been 14 months, and finally I've come back to my Blog. You, gentle reader, must have been waiting a long time for this, I suppose. If I had more than one gentle reader, I might be happier, but then there may be pressure on me to blog better. Or even if that one were someone other than myself.